


everything that drowns me

by eternias_zone



Series: Purity [1]
Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Catra (She-Ra) Needs a Hug, Discussion of Rape, F/F, I mean they dont actually have sex but okay, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, Is that a thing, Light Smut, Mentioned Horde Prime (She-Ra), Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Running Away, Sexual Content, Trauma, also there's a shitload of italics and what about it, anyways fuck I dont know any other tags so uh, oh lastly there’s a few blood mentions but it’s nothing too serious, the exposition sucks ass
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:14:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27443974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eternias_zone/pseuds/eternias_zone
Summary: A tortuous silence fills the room. Adora's grasp on Catra's hand went lax immediately, and the moment it does, tears begin to make way down Catra's face as her words linger in the air, a feeling of achievement overwhelmed with dread and fear in the pit of her stomach.---Intimacy is a feeling associated with dread for Catra.
Relationships: Adora & Catra (She-Ra), Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Series: Purity [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2008069
Comments: 2
Kudos: 187





	everything that drowns me

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Counting Stars by OneRepublic.
> 
> This idea has been floating around in my head for some time. All content warnings are in the tags, so please read them before you read this story! If you decide to continue reading, thank you! 
> 
> Feedback appreciated!

It's been months, maybe even closer to a year, since the lifelong war ended on Etheria.

The planet was unified once again, brought together in rejoice and celebration. Etherians freely roamed the world without the looming threat of war on their shoulders. Kingdoms formed alliances of recovery and coalition.

And most of all, the mutual liveliness throughout the planet was expressed in parties. And Bright Moon was no exception.

The constant parties held brought along a new form of stress, but not malicious, rather comforting.

And when they weren't partying, they were working.

Though first doubtful, Adora soon realized that her work as She-Ra was far from over. She was almost always on her feet, visiting kingdom to kingdom to help aid recoveries from the war damage. When she wasn't doing that, she was in meeting rooms, helping to settle minor grievances and unifying nations. She quickly learned to cherish the time she had to rest.

Though, it wasn't only Adora that was busy almost all the time. Almost all the princesses were busy, in fact. More often than not has she caught Glimmer up late night signing papers, and more often than not did she have to guide her exhausted friend to bed, wrapping the queen's arms around her shoulders whenever it was even later nights, where the young royal was nearly asleep as she stood.

Even Catra found herself deep in royal work, helping Glimmer by taking up the role as the queen's advisor and strategist.

But for once, the four friends were treated to a day of rest, and they swore to themselves it wouldn't be wasted.

* * *

Catra isn't too certain about her and Adora's relationship.

Don't get her wrong, she loves Adora, and Adora loves her, and she believes that they're dating, but...

That's as far as it goes.

The two never really have time for themselves, and when they do, like in the night where they're under covers to sleep, they're not sure what to do.

A few times have the two thought of getting _intimate_ , but as quick as the thought comes, it disappears, leaving behind a bright red trail on their faces, too flustered to ponder on their ideas a second farther.

Lately, it's only been getting worse, like when Catra thinks about kissing Adora deeply until the blonde is left red and breathless, or when she's filled with desperation whenever she glances at a changing Adora, her eyes glistening whenever she peers at the large, soft bosom the blonde frees whenever she strips herself bare.

_Most times, however, that feeling of longing turns into terror and sickness._

* * *

_"Catra,"_ Adora moans between breaths.

The feline grins against Adora's swollen lips before kissing her deeply again, swallowing Adora's sighs as she pulls the blonde closer. Her body feels aflame, and she makes one swoop gesture to close the door, nearly tripping over her girlfriend's feet as they stumble to the bed together. Adora runs a hand up Catra's back, emitting a whimper from the younger girl as she realigns her hips, getting _just the right amount of contact—_

Both girls groan, their clothes feeling much tighter by tenfold. Resisting the urge to grind foward, Catra hooks a leg around Adora's back, enabling her to properly feel the heat through Adora's clothes. 

_"Fuck,"_ Catra moans as she breaks the kiss to catch air. "What's gotten into you today?"

 _"I don't know,"_ Adora nearly _growls_ out, her voice deep and groggy, satiated with lust. Her hands fumble around Catra's clothes and she pulls the feline closer. "God, I love you so much." She drags Catra into another open-mouthed kiss, deep and passionate. Catra feels her entire body coil up. _This is happening today._

"Then _show me,_ " Catra groans into Adora's ear, jutting her hips upward to send that spike of heat through her body at the contact. "Show me you love me."

It's enough to make Adora push Catra down onto the mattress, and she holds the feline's hands above her head. Catra's breath hitches at the sudden action.

Already heated and worked up, Adora tugs at Catra's waistband with her free hand, unbuttoning the pants and pulling them down at once. She pulls up the hem of Catra's shirt, needing to leave her ravished.

So she wasn't expecting to look back up to see wide, bloodshot eyes.

Adora's grip on the shirt loosened, her lust being replaced with concern. "...Catra?"

The feline started trembling.

Adora quickly realizes the younger girl is having a panic attack and she climbs off of her, sitting on the far edge of the bed in case her girlfriend lashes out.

 _”Get off,”_ Catra whimpers. She claws at her skin, hot tears streaming down her face. _“It’s not gonna work, get off of me, get off of me, please...”_

”Catra,” Adora stutters out, an overwhelming amount of anxiety beginning to wash over her. “C-Catra, it’s just me, it’s okay. You’re safe. Just breathe.”

 _”No...”_ Catra thrashes her arms. Her sobs fill the room. _“Stop it! I said it’s not gonna...”_

And in the state of panic, Adora grabs Catra to shake her out of her haze. 

A mistake. 

The feline screams and unsheathes her claws, and before Adora could even back away, three bright red lines are slashed across her face. She yells a curse in pain and immediately recoils, trying to stem the blood with her hand.

It somehow did the trick, though.

Catra sits up immediately, her view of reality coming back to normal and she’s immediately realizes what she did. 

“Shit. A-Adora, I—“

”It’s okay,” Adora groans out, seeing tears glisten in her girlfriend’s eyes again.

The amount of blood staining her palm concerned her and she looked away for just a moment, her hand glowing blue as it heals the cuts on her face. 

Her mind replaying what just happened, she looks back up. “Are you okay—“

And Catra’s nowhere to be seen.

* * *

"What do you mean, _'she's gone'_?!"

Glimmer looms over the table, anger and fear coursing through her veins. She smoothes her tied back hair and sighs, before sitting down. "Sorry," she huffs. "I just— she disappeared in the blink of an eye?"

"Why'd she leave anyway?" Bow asks. 

Adora bites her lip as she rakes her fingers through her blonde hair that sits on her shoulders _("It's getting a bit long—" an unrelated thought)_. "...I don't know."

Bow and Glimmer stare at her, expectantly.

"I don't know what really happened," Adora chokes out. She fiddles with the fabric of her shorts, feeling her friends' stares bore through her as they expect her to continue. Adora sighs in shame and defeat.

"Listen, I..." She takes a moment to consider what she should and shouldn't say. "It was a... setting. _A mood_. We were in a _mood_ , you know... and um... I did something. And the next thing I knew, she was spiraling. I panicked and tried to shake her out of it, but she... she clawed my face and left." 

The room went silent as Glimmer and Bow glance at each other, trying to fully understand what was going on. They didn't have much time before they heard quiet sobs, and they turn their attention back to Adora, who hangs her head low, biting back tears. "I-I think I hurt her. And... and I'm scared. I don't know where she is and it's..."

Her voice trails off as Bow quickly wraps an arm around her, and she finally lets herself to cry. Adora holds him close as she empties her tears onto his shoulder.

"Fuck, I'm sorry. I shouldn't be crying, I'm just... so confused, and scared, and—"

"It's okay," Bow reassures her. "Whatever happened, it's not your fault. She's just... dealing with a lot right now. So are you. The both of you are stressed, and sometimes, it may clash, but... I don't think she blames you for what happened. She probably was just overwhelmed and had to clear her head."

Adora hums along to his consolations, tears burning a path down her face.

"...I'll put out a search party for Catra. Wherever she is, she can't be too far," Glimmer says, affirmative.

"N-No," Adora protests. "I'll... I'll look for her myself—"

"No, you won't," Glimmer snaps back, and it's enough to make Adora shrink back into her chair. Glimmer lets her shoulders deflate. "I'm sorry, that was too snappy. But seriously, you should get some rest right now. You're pretty wound up." Adora gently flushes at the last statement.

"We'll handle the search mission, trust me. Catra's our friend too, and we're just as concerned for her."

Adora lets the sentiments sink in and she slightly relaxes, the exhaustion from the stress now hitting her. "Thank you," she breathes out. "Both of you."

"Of course," Bow replies. "I'll help you get back to your room, you look like you're about to pass out any second.

Too worn out to respond, Adora nods her head, and takes Bow's hand as he helps her to stand. Her eyes shut before they even leave the room.

Glimmer watches her friends leave before sighing.

_She hopes Catra is okay._

* * *

Adora's losing her mind.

Search operatives have been out looking for Catra for nearly the whole day, but they've all reported back emptily. 

Adora won't say it, but she knows neither Glimmer or Bow are certain her girlfriend will turn up.

A day of doing a poor job of concealing her emotions later and it's nightfall, with Catra still nowhere to be seen.

She can't stand looking at the empty, undone bed in their room, and she bites back tears that are threatening to spill once more.

This somehow stings even more than when Catra left her after the failsafe, and she's not sure why, but the gaping pit of her stomach threatens to bring its content back up her throat the longer she stares at the bed.

She quickly glances at the window she suspected Catra to escape with, and looks to see how long the fall would be.

 _Catra's missing,_ she reminds herself, and its enough to steel herself to quickly grab a coat and make her descent out the window.

A platform quickly forms under her to break her fall, and she tumbles downhill, barely swerving a muddy puddle.

Her dirtied clothes bother her at first, but she shrugs it off, forming her sword to provide a light source as she ventures into the woods. She's not sure where she's going at all, or if she will fully remember her way back to the palace, but for now, it doesn't matter.

The guilt swarming in her stomach is motivation enough to start her own desperate search for her lover.

* * *

_Fuck,_ Adora thinks to herself. _Fuck._

She holds an unconscious Catra in her arms, constantly tugging at the oversized shirt the feline wears to cover her bruised skin. She runs through the rain, cradling her girlfriend close to her. _Of course it started storming._

For a moment she considers covering Catra with her coat, but remembers it's already damp and muddied. 

_...She wasn't expecting to find her girlfriend passed out, deep in the woods, underneath a tree's shade._

The silhouette of Bright Moon shows up not too far over the Bright Moon, and it wills Adora enough to run even faster to get her girlfriend out of the rain because they're almost there—

Eventually, Adora approaches her window, and she turns her sword into a climbing rope long enough to anchor through the window and into her room and climb up. Sure, she could've entered from the front since she literally lives here, but she really doesn't want to garner anyone's attention right now.

Not when Catra's out cold on her.

Eventually, she pulls the both of them through the opening, and she ungracefully lands on the floor.

Not wasting a second longer, she stands up and lays her girlfriend onto their shared bed.

Adora watches the rise and fall of Catra's chest for a second before shutting the window remembering that it's still raining.

She nearly cries tears of relief as the sills shut, her mind at ease because she found Catra and Catra is safe—

_Their clothes. Fuck._

Catra's shirt is drenched, and Adora knows that she'll catch a cold if it's on for too long.

She quickly finds another sleep shirt long enough for her girlfriend and places it on the bed. Now to remove the shirt Catra has on now.

Adora gently lifts Catra's head and pulls at the shirt, carefully peeling it off of the feline's lithe body—

And Catra's eyes bulge open, a scream caught in her throat.

Adora yelps and jumps away, and Catra's head hits the bed with a thud. She yells a swear.

"Shit. Sorry!" Adora cries out, her hands flailing around, dropping the wet shirt. "It's just that your clothes were wet, and I didn't want you to catch a cold or anything, so—"

"It's... fine," Catra strains out, her mouth too dry to speak any louder. She groans sitting up, and grabs for the dry shirt on the bed after some time. She wears it, and stays silent.

"So... how are you feeling right now?" Adora asks, testing the waters. Catra's ears flicker, and she brings her knees up to her chest. "...I'm fine."

Adora frowns at how desolate her voice sounds.

"You really scared me earlier. A-all of us, really. You disappeared and nobody could barely even spot your trail and I got... really worried. And I feel guilty about it all, too. I... I feel like I hurt you, somehow. I'm so sorry." Adora bites her lip and avoids Catra's eyes, shame overcoming her once again from what she did. She picks at her nails.

"It wasn't your fault," Catra gasps out after a moment of silence. "I'm so sorry, Adora. I-I ruined it earlier, and I ran off, and I got everyone worried, and—"

"You didn't ruin anything," Adora retorts. "And you shouldn't apologize for not... you know... being ready for that kind of stuff yet. I fully understand, I just don't want you to think you ruined things just because you weren't fully comfortable, and I'm so sorry, because I hadn't even taken the time to properly ask you before I—"

_"Adora."_

The blonde's eyes snap up to the feline's, and she quickly notes that Catra is crying. Sobs wrack her girlfriend's body, and her face is bright red and stained with hot tears.

"Catra," She cries, opening her arms for her girlfriend, who immediately throws herself in, sobbing onto Adora's dirty coat.

"T-There's... something I need to tell you."

The fear in her voice rings out, and Adora's heart threatens to shatter into a million pieces. She holds Catra closer as a response, and buries her head into Catra's curly, shoulder length hair. "Okay. I'm here."

* * *

The two stay like that for a few moments longer before Catra slowly pulls away from the embrace. She bites her lip and looks up to meet Adora's glistening blue-hazel eyes.

Feeling the terror radiate off of the feline, Adora decides to break the ice. "How are you feeling right now?"

"...Scared," Catra squeaks out. "I'm so scared."

"Okay," Adora replies. "Are you comfortable enough to say why?" Somewhere in her mind does she smile at her words— she's really picked up a thing or two from Perfuma when it comes to dealing with emotions.

"I'm scared because..." Catra picks at her claws and takes a deep breath. "I don't know. There's so much going on in my head right now and fuck, I can't do this anymore, I'm sorry, I—"

"In for two."

Catra's ears perk up. "Huh?"

"Take a deep breath, okay baby? In for two, hold for two, out for four. Can you do that for me?" Adora asks. She follows her own instructions, hoping for Catra to mirror, and eventually, she does.

"Perfect. See? You're safe, you're going to be okay," Adora whispers out, barely loud enough for Catra to hear. "Are you comfortable to tell me what you wanted to say? Or do you need some time to cool your head?"

And for a moment, Catra considers running again, until she remembers, that _this is the woman that ventured through a stormy night into the woods to find her._

In her head, she smiles to herself. _Adora's so dumb_.

_I love her like that._

"I... I think I'm ready to talk," Catra answers. She gently takes Adora's hand, taking once last glance at those supportive, protective blue eyes. _God, I love her so much._

_I can do this._

_I'm ready._

Hot tears well up in her eyes again, and she takes a deep breath, trying to hold them back long enough so that she can say what she needs to.

_Adora..._

"I was..."

Catra bites down on her bottom lip hard enough to nearly draw blood. _It hurts._

_Please..._

_I can do this..._

"...I-I was raped."

A tortuous silence fills the room. Adora's grasp on Catra's hand went lax immediately, and the moment it does, tears begin to make way down Catra's face as her words linger in the air, a feeling of achievement overwhelmed with dread and fear in the pit of her stomach.

"...When?" a meek voice asks, and Catra's eyes jolt up to realize that the voice was Adora's, a look of pain spread on her details.

And Catra finds it in her that once she starts, she finds it hard to stop.

"On P-Prime's ship. He..." She quickly wets her tongue, feeling it go dry nearly immediately. "After he... I don't know, _I don't fucking know_ what that green pool was, but... After he cleansed me with it he... had an idea come to his mind. He said I was the purest a-amongst them all, but he... wanted to test me. A test of my p-purity, he said. S-Soon after, some group of clones dragged me to one of P-Prime's holding cells." Catra took a shaky breath. "They tied me to the bed and s-stripped me. I couldn't move, and I couldn't stop them at all. I couldn't stop them when they touched me all over, and I couldn't stop any of them when they—"

Catra cries, her body trembling as she clings to Adora's palm like her life depends on it. "They tried to stimulate me. I knew the entire thing was pointless from the start, and it how it was just Prime's fucking sick way to get to me and humiliate me, because it worked." Catra hiccups. "They spent what I feel like were hours trying to stimulate me, but it wasn't working. I couldn't feel anything." She lets go of Adora's hand. "I don't know why but I... I wanted to _feel._ To oppose Prime's whole plan, but I couldn't feel. That's when I realized that it wasn't about... pleasure... it was about power."

Catra's nerves were aflame, and she couldn't stop shaking, or crying. "T-Thats why when you held me down to... to take off my clothes I panicked. I know he's dead, and he's gone for good, but his clones _aren't_ and he's still in my head and fuck, I'm sorry Adora, _fuck_ —"

Adora wraps her arms around Catra, pulling her into the tightest embrace.

"I-It's going to be okay, Catra. You're safe now," She stammers. "Catra. It wasn't your fault. Any of it. I'm so sorry for making you remember those things and I just... God, I love you so so much. You're the strongest person I've ever met. _I love you, Catra._ "

Catra let Adora's words hit and she burst into a new set of tears, clinging onto Adora like a lifeline.

Adora kisses the tears streaming down Catra's face. "I'm so proud of you for telling me, okay? And I'm so proud of you for feeling comfortable enough to open up, you're amazing, Catra. You're strong and resilient, and— you matter so much to me. I love you more than anyone else in the world, no matter what."

Catra sobs into Adora's shoulder, her voice croaky from crying. "...I love you, Adora. I-I love you so much, Adora, please... please don't leave me."

"I'm never going to leave you, Catra. Fuck, I'll never leave you, and I'll never stop loving you. You're beautiful, and amazing, and strong, and... you'll get through this, okay? And I'll be here for you, every step of the way."

"Thank you," Catra gasps out. "Thank you Adora, I love you so much."

Adora hums into Catra's hair to sooth her, and Catra is able to accept it, because now's she sure about their relationship.

_She loves Adora, and Adora loves her._

* * *

“How are you feeling right now?”

Catra let the question ponder for a second. _She’s feeling so much right now._

“I feel... _better_. Calmer. But I... I’m still scared. I’m working on it, though.”

”That’s good,” Adora hums. “I’m proud of you.”

The genuine praise made Catra purr as she cuddles up against the warmth of Adora’s body. 

_Adora's proud of her._

* * *

"You're sleepy."

"Yeah, Catra murmurs. "It's been a long day."

"I'll say," Adora responds. "Let me get this coat off and we can head to bed, hm?"

Catra nods. She lets go of Adora, already missing her warm embrace, and watches as her girlfriend peels off the stained coat.

Catra's eyelids threaten to flutter shut and she lays on her back, and Adora soon snuggles into the bed after her, pulling the covers over them.

"Catra?"

The feline turns her head to face Adora.

"Hm?"

"I love you."

 _Nothing means the world more to her than those three words._ She gently smiles and cradles Adora's face.

"Idiot," Catra sighs out. Adora giggles, and Catra falls in love with the blonde's little snort.

"You love me too."

Catra pretends to roll her eyes before pulling Adora in for a gentle kiss. It lasts for a few seconds before she pulls away, watching as the bridge of Adora's nose and her cheeks flush red, the small skin blemishes radiating against them. She falls in love with all of her imperfections.

"Yeah, I love you too."

With that, Adora smiles one last time at her before dozing off. Catra giggles at how peaceful she looks, her slumber slowly taking over.

_Adora..._

_Thank you._

**Author's Note:**

> it's a little hc of mine that Adora and Catra would ask how each other is feeling at the moment during times when they're stressed or something, to help work on talking about emotions I guess. It's an idea in progress. Anyways, thank you for reading!


End file.
